Holding it together

I'm just holding it together. As you all know I'm a super emotional person and I show my feelings quite well, even when I'm trying to fake it. Up until now I have held it together pretty well. My last melt down was the day of the referral. I could have been committed!!!! Don't get me wrong, I cry, boy do I cry...... Men you think that's loosing it, no way....... Loosing it means you are to a point of no return.

Church was wonderful. Church is always an emotional thing for me. I am so humbled every worship service that I usually shed a tear or two. Being that this is the last Sunday alone, I thought it might be the time I loose it. I hate it when my children go to their dad's house. I love that unlike so many divorced families, their dad and them have a great relationship!! And we share the time 50/50. BUT I hate the idea of them going there!!!!!!! I hate Fridays, knowing that they will go with their dad in the morning, and I will always try to stall them leaving...... I'm so bad!!!!!!! I love going to church with my children!!! But they are to the ages that they love going to church with their friends, which is a GREAT thing!!!

So getting ready this morning was like this huge revelation that this is the last time I will be getting ready by myself for a lot of years. How wonderful is that, I fantasize about having someone else to get ready, baby barf, and poopy diapers, I am so excited to change diapers again!!!!

I did very well during the service. Pastor Lathen you are wonderful and should really preach more!!!!! All was going well, I was visiting with people after service when a newer couple wanted to talk about adoption with someone. Sure, my favorite subject........ I was walking them down the hall to meet the family of 5, when passing by was a woman who I admire, but don't know all that well. We have had a few conversations, and over to the house, but not someone I have shared my deepest secrets with. She asked me to stop. She started digging through her purse, boy do I know the feeling....... She pulls out a twenty and hands it too me. I asked what it was for.....people have asked me to get them things from Africa....And she says what ever you need it for. I just about lost it!!!!!!!!! Inside I lost it!!!!!! I am so humbled by the generosity of people you don't know all that well. I know physiologically that I think that if I start to loose it, the fear is that I won't come back......... Very true. I know that at some time I will crash. I just hope it's by myself and not with a new couple standing next to me wanting to talk about adoption. God is so Good!!